high
highkey want a boy who’s taller than me and has messy hair and nice eyebrows and is strong enough to lift me and carry me when I’m tired and is intelligent and can carry smart conversations and calls me beautiful and treats me right in front of his friends
Me: yea I can take a punch
Brad Pitt: yeah? *hits me*
Me: harder daddy
Brad Pitt: what?
Me: what?
me: i want to die
me: oh no what if my friends get worried
me: i want to die™
me: that’s better ,, now it’s ‘ironic’
i want someone to just be happy over me. happy to see me. happy to hear me. happy to know me.
I was going to cry. I didn’t know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I’d cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full.
1. One friend who took her own life before she even got to live. I love you, Rachel.
2. Two times my father caught me drinking and both times he made it abundantly clear just how big of a disappointment I was.
3. Three times you begged me to throw up the pills.
4. Four failed suicide attempts.
5. Five inpatient psychiatric hospitalizations.
6. Six hours until you finally answered my texts and you told me that you tried to kill yourself. I will never forget that feeling of pure, unadulterated fear.
7. Seven rides in the back of ambulances. EMTs are the kindest people you will ever meet.
8. Eight months until we fell apart.
9. 911. The police officer that came to my house after you called asked me what your name was, but when I tried to tell him no words would come out of my mouth and I couldn’t breathe.
10. Ten girls and I sat at a round table in a hospital and fought like hell to beat our eating disorders.
11. Eleven medications I tried in a futile attempt to balance the chemicals in my brain.
12. Twelve people at a party that watched me almost die from alcohol poisoning.
13. Thirteen years old was the first time my sister had to watch two police officers bring me out of the emergency room and into an ambulance. It was not the last.
14. Fourteen years old was when my sister began to stare in the mirror too long and never get out of bed. I always blamed myself.
15. Fifteen prescription sleeping pills in one hand, a bottle of vodka in the other. The thought of my mother’s reaction when she found me in the morning the only thing that stopped me from swallowing them.
16. Sixteen minutes in a small room with a social worker who told me if I didn’t eat the granola bar in front of me they would have to force feed me with a tube.
17. Seventeen days spent in one hospital and I watched every friend I made get better and leave me behind.
18. Eighteen years until I learned to destroy what brought me pain and stop hating myself. I am 19 now and have been out of the hospital for almost 17 months.